Breaking the habit of small talk
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So last year, on a sunny summer morning, I was in the old city of Antigua in Guatemala, hailing a cab to visit a client. I got into the car and sat in the back seat, preparing for my meeting, when the driver tried to start a conversation. He asked me where I was from, what my name was, whether I was there for work, what I did, and of course how I liked the weather in Guatemala.
Through my job I have been able to travel the world and meet people from many different cultures, from taxi drivers in Guatemala City to baristas in Sydney and photographers in London. Yet most of them began our conversations with the same predictable questions. The conversations felt scripted and quickly slid into what I call predictable superficiality. After all, how much can you really learn about someone if you only ever talk about the weather?
Everything changed when I was invited to an event called a Conversation Gala. I arrived not knowing the host, the guests, or even the occasion, but there was one rule: we were not allowed to ask questions or talk about topics that could be discovered on someone’s Facebook profile. To help us get started, the host provided handwritten cards with unusual questions. They asked things like whether we believed in karma, which quality we most appreciated in our mothers, which of our scars had the most interesting story, or whether we preferred Rihanna or Beyoncé.
Using those cards, I moved from person to person, from couples to small groups. By the end of the evening we had talked about family values and childhood memories, the things that keep us up at night and the things that get us out of bed in the morning, as well as what we feel and what we fear. I barely knew people’s names and had no idea what they did for a living, yet I knew their relationships with their parents and their biggest regrets in life. The evening was anything but usual and it left a deep impression on me.
Only later did I realise that I had been a guinea pig in a social experiment run by a non-profit called Irrational Labs. The experiment was inspired by research showing that more meaningful conversations lead to higher levels of happiness and well-being. It is not because deeper conversations are always more positive, but because they help us find greater meaning and importance in our own lives. Still, even when we are surrounded by fascinating people, we often default to small talk.
Researchers have found that we keep doing things that are not good for us, even when we know they are a bad idea. Many drivers admit that using a phone behind the wheel is dangerous, yet they still pick it up. We know that starting projects at the last minute leads to anxiety and late nights, yet we procrastinate. And with conversation, nobody claims that talking about the weather is exciting or fulfilling, yet we keep doing it.
There are more than seven billion people in the world, each with a unique story. The dreams we pursue, the challenges that shape us, and the memories we carry are all different. That makes seven billion treasure boxes full of life lessons, wisdom, and experience. When we stay stuck in small talk, it is like going to a museum full of wonders but choosing to sit in the corner and play on our smartphone instead.
Imagine how much you could learn about someone if you approached every conversation with the curiosity of a child. How much could you learn if you embraced the unknown, recognising that each person you meet could help you become a better version of yourself? One encounter can change the trajectory of your life, but only if you are genuinely and authentically interested in the other person, not in their title or achievements but in who they are and the story they have to share.
Often the simplest people can teach you the most. In Sydney, instead of asking the barista about the weather, I asked what made him so passionate about coffee. He told me that his grandfather had migrated from Italy to Australia and that working as a barista had been a family tradition for five generations. In London, instead of asking a photographer how his exhibition went, I asked which of his pictures carried the most profound memories. He showed me a photograph that he described as the last picture he took while living on the streets as a homeless person.
And in Guatemala I could have asked my taxi driver how his day was, but I chose to ask what had made him happy that day. He told me that it was his ten-year wedding anniversary and shared the beautiful story of how his wife had first entered his cab as a passenger many years before. All of these conversations began with small talk, and small talk helped build initial comfort, but the key was to step off the track of predictable superficiality.
When we dare to ask about people’s motivations, memories, and emotions, just a slight shift in language and intention opens a window into another person’s true spirit. It allows us to have in-depth conversations that lead to meaningful and memorable moments. If we did this more often, we could build stronger connections, create more cross-cultural understanding, and build more bridges with people who might one day have a powerful impact on our lives. Then we might finally see that each stranger is just another friend we have not met yet.
⚡ Learning goals
- Move beyond predictable small talk by asking deeper, more meaningful questions.
- Share and respond to personal stories about memories, values, and emotions.
- Use conversation to build stronger, cross-cultural connections and well-being.
✨ Key language
- What made you …? “What made you so passionate about your job?”
- How much can you learn about someone …? “How much can you learn about a person in ten minutes?”
- I could have asked you about X, but Y. “I could have asked you about the weather, but I’m more interested in your story.”
⚙️ Rules & Grammar — 4 Structures
1️⃣ Open questions with “what” and “how” about feelings and memories
Rule: Use open questions with what and how to invite deeper answers about emotions, experiences, and stories, not just yes/no facts.
Examples: What made you happy today?; How did that experience change you?; What do you most remember about that night?
Common pitfall + fix: Learners often ask closed questions like “Are you happy?” — change them to open questions such as “What made you happy today?” to invite richer answers.
Choose the best open question to invite a meaningful story.
Tip: Use “what” or “how” to invite a longer, more personal answer.
Fill with the best answer: What ______ you so passionate about coffee?
Tip: Think of the past event that created someone’s passion.
2️⃣ Present simple questions about habits and preferences
Rule: Use the present simple with do or does to ask about regular habits, preferences, and general opinions.
Examples: Do you believe in karma?; What quality do you most appreciate in your mother?; Do you enjoy meeting new people?
Common pitfall + fix: Learners sometimes forget the auxiliary “do” or use the -s form incorrectly — say “Do you believe in karma?”, not “You believe in karma?” or “Does you believe in karma?”.
Choose the correct question about someone’s belief.
Tip: Use “Do you” + base verb to ask about opinions and habits.
Fill with the best answer: What quality ______ you most appreciate in your closest friend?
Tip: Use the auxiliary that matches “you” in the present simple.
3️⃣ Second conditional to imagine different outcomes
Rule: Use the second conditional (if + past simple, would + base verb) to imagine how things could be different now or in the future.
Examples: If you approached each conversation with curiosity, you would learn much more.; If I didn’t go to that event, I wouldn’t have met them.; If we stopped small talk, we would build stronger connections.
Common pitfall + fix: Learners confuse real and unreal conditionals — remember that we use the past form after “if” even when we are talking about the present or future.
Choose the correct second conditional sentence.
Tip: Think “if + past, would + verb” when you imagine a different present.
Fill with the best answer: If we asked better questions, we ______ ______ stronger connections.
Tip: Use “would” plus the base verb for the result.
4️⃣ Could have + past participle for unreal alternatives in the past
Rule: Use could have + past participle to talk about something that was possible in the past but did not happen.
Examples: I could have asked the driver about the weather, but I didn’t.; She could have stayed with small talk, but she chose deeper questions.; I could have ignored the invitation, but I decided to go.
Common pitfall + fix: Learners mix up “could” and “could have” — use “could have” when you refer to past possibilities that did not happen.
Complete the sentence: I ______ ______ the barista about the weather, but I didn’t.
Tip: Use “could have” to describe a past possibility that never happened.
Fill with the best answer: She ______ ______ on small talk, but she decided to share a real story.
Tip: Remember we use the past participle after “have”.
✍️ Vocabulary
small talk
Meaning: short, polite conversation about simple topics like the weather or traffic.
Synonyms: chit-chat, idle conversation, light talk.
Chunk/Idiom: break the habit of small talk.
Example: She is tired of small talk and wants deeper conversations.
Morphology: noun phrase; countable expression in social context.
Self-practice: Write one situation where you want to move beyond small talk.
meaningful conversation
Meaning: a deep and important exchange that reveals real thoughts and feelings.
Synonyms: deep talk, genuine exchange, profound discussion.
Chunk/Idiom: have a meaningful conversation with someone.
Example: One meaningful conversation at the gala changed her perspective.
Morphology: noun phrase; “meaningful” as adjective, “conversation” as noun.
Self-practice: Describe a meaningful conversation that you still remember clearly.
superficiality
Meaning: the quality of only dealing with the surface of things, not with real depth.
Synonyms: shallowness, triviality, surface-level thinking.
Chunk/Idiom: predictable superficiality in everyday conversations.
Example: Predictable superficiality stops us from truly knowing each other.
Morphology: noun; related to the adjective “superficial” and adverb “superficially”.
Self-practice: Write one way you can escape superficiality in your next discussion.
well-being
Meaning: a state of feeling healthy, happy, and satisfied with life.
Synonyms: welfare, life satisfaction, emotional health.
Chunk/Idiom: improve someone’s emotional well-being.
Example: Meaningful conversations can increase our sense of well-being.
Morphology: noun; often used with possessives like “your” or “their” well-being.
Self-practice: Explain how deep talks can support your personal well-being.
treasure box
Meaning: a metaphor for something full of valuable things, like stories or experiences.
Synonyms: treasure chest, collection of riches, box of valuables.
Chunk/Idiom: see each person as a treasure box of stories.
Example: Each person is a treasure box full of life lessons and wisdom.
Morphology: noun phrase; metaphorical expression built from “treasure” plus “box”.
Self-practice: Imagine your own treasure box and list three lessons inside it.
guinea pig
Meaning: a person used in an experiment or test, especially in a social study.
Synonyms: test subject, experimental participant, trial volunteer.
Chunk/Idiom: be a guinea pig in a social experiment.
Example: He discovered that he was a guinea pig in the conversation study.
Morphology: noun phrase; idiomatic use that does not refer to the real animal.
Self-practice: Describe a time when you felt like a guinea pig in a project.
☁️ Examples (+ audio)
What made you happy today?
How much can you learn from one honest conversation?
I could have asked about the weather, but I wanted your story.
If we asked deeper questions, we would build stronger connections.
✏️ Exercises
Grammar
Choose the best question to invite a meaningful answer.
Tip: Prefer questions that open a window into stories and emotions.
Which sentence correctly asks about a general belief?
Tip: Remember “Do you” + base verb for opinions and habits.
Fill with the best answer:
If you approached each conversation with curiosity, you would learn from each ______ story.
Tip: Think of the stories that shaped people before you met them.
Fill with the best answer:
He ______ ______ the invitation, but he decided to go to the gala.
Tip: Use “could have” plus past participle for unreal past options.
Vocabulary & Comprehension
Which phrase best describes a deep, honest exchange of ideas?
Tip: Think of the conversations that stay in your memory for years.
In the talk, each person is compared to which metaphor?
Tip: Remember the image used for people’s stories and memories.
Fill with the best answer:
Research showed that meaningful conversations can increase our ______.
Tip: It means our general health, happiness, and life satisfaction.
Fill with the best answer:
He calls the usual questions about the weather predictable ______.
Tip: Use the noun formed from the adjective “superficial”.
✅ Guided practice
Mini-dialogue:
A: I could have asked you about the weather, but I’m more curious about you.
B: That’s nice. What would you like to know?
A: What made you happy today?
B: I had a surprising conversation that reminded me how powerful good questions are.
Why this matters:
Deeper questions help you see people as unique treasure boxes instead of background noise. They can turn short encounters into powerful memories that may change the trajectory of your life. They also build cross-cultural understanding and genuine connections that small talk alone cannot create.
Verb & Adjective Pack:
ask deeply — Ask deeply and listen without checking your phone.
be curious — Be curious about the stories behind everyday people.
connect meaningfully — Use one brave question to connect meaningfully with a stranger.
feel understood — Share a memory that makes you feel understood.
Try & compare:
Fill with the best answer: I ______ ______ the driver about the weather, but I chose a deeper question.
Tip: Think of the past possibility that did not actually happen.
Self-correction: Fix the sentence: What did made you happy today?
Tip: Remove extra auxiliaries and keep the correct question word order.
Practice aloud: Listen, repeat, then type the sentence.
If you asked deeper questions, you would hear better stories.
Tip: Focus on the rhythm of “if + past, would + verb” while you listen.